There are more than ten people in my group of friends, but actually there are only two or three with whom I am really good friends. The rest is cosy, but feels like an afterthought. Pretty bad…’
Recognizable? Then there’s news for you: it’s not bad at all. In fact, having just a few close friends is actually great.
See also: 5 ways to be a best friend
True friendship is rare
As you get older, the number of friends you have decreases. The urge to be ‘popular’ becomes less, you know yourself better and therefore know what you need in a friendship, and there is simply less time to spend with (many) friends. You more or less choose who “deserves” your precious time and who you can and want to call a real friend. People you used to label as your friends become acquaintances or the contact may even be diluted completely.
In addition, building a good friendship – certainly in adulthood – does not happen by itself. To become good friends with someone, a number of ingredients are indispensable. Think of common interests, the frequency in which you see each other, and the reciprocity.
And the latter is an important and at the same time complicated factor. Reciprocity in a friendship stands for the fact that you share things on the same level and feel the same for each other. The painful thing about this is: there is a (pretty high) chance that the person you label as a good friend will not say the same about you. Ow.
Researchers from Tel Aviv University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology found that in only 50% of the relationships they surveyed, the affirmation of friendship was mutual. So half of the friendships were a one-way street where one person saw the other as a real friend, while the other way around was not the case.
This fact makes true friendship quite rare. According to a psychologist, this is because everyone is different in their needs and definitions of friendship. For one it is enough to have one or two best friends by his side, with whom he is very close and can share all his emotions and thoughts. For such a person, a friend is someone he trusts completely, who knows everything about him and who is there for him day and night. (And vice versa, of course.)
Another may have a great need for a large social circle around them and they are more likely to refer to others as a friend, while those contacts are often more superficial. The chance that all people in that circle of friends actually consider each other as good friends is also not that great.
Having few friends is not a bad thing
Did this story make you think about the amount and intensity of your friendships? Then realize that it never hurts to take a critical look at your established relationships (or what is actually left of them).
You may find that the person you used to share everything with has felt more like an acquaintance than a good friend for years. Or maybe it turns out that someone in whom you invest a lot of energy and time almost never does it for you.
Not bad at all to draw such conclusions. Coming and going is part of life and sometimes it is better to say goodbye to someone.
However, there is one thing you should always keep in mind: it’s about you. Do you feel good with a large group of friends around you; nice, nice, nice! If a friendship is good, then all the ‘musts’ go by itself and you don’t have to worry about your meaning in the relationship. But as soon as you start to doubt that, it’s good to talk about it. With your best friend, for example.
